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RubyWing300
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Name: Kristy
State: Illinois
Metro: Chicago
Gender: Female
Interests: I like manga, anime, books, movies, running, swimming, writing, listening to music, dreaming, being with freinds, and my dear dog, cat, and bunny.
Expertise: Reading and remembering, singing, writing. I am almsot finished writing a book wish me luck
Occupation: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  RubyWing200
Member Since:
2/26/2005
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| Pain. Constant Pain. Who knew it could hurt this much. This is the last time I will write on this page. I havent gotten around to making a new xanga but i will. Aahh but yes. I am alone again. So very alone. I have friends aplenty but I am alone. The fog has been back. I cant remember a lot of this past month. It scares me. I'm worried that it will be this way for a long time again. I do believe that everything is a lose lose situation for me. I stay, i lose. I leave, i lose. Looks like I am once again looking for a life long companion. Who wants to stay with me for the rest of my life? Dont live with me, dont want anything from me...just dont leave me alone. Do not leave me to the existence I have prepared for myself. One of my own choosing. A beautiful existence. A lonely one. I have been crying for days. On and off. All I have to do is see Snoopy, watch cartoon network, see a shirt, or anything left behind and I start crying. It is hard. God, I want him so bad. I dont think I've ever wanted something so much before. I actually prayed for us to work out. sigh. And now just pain. Yes, I'm aware. I'm not the only one. But I think he's doing much better than I am. Betrayal. absolute betrayal. It doubled the pain. I cant believe that happened. If it really did. I hate people who talk. They can never be trusted. Whenever I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. betrayal. eh. concentrate. relax. breathe. forget. forget. forget. Rebuild what was broken. God the pain. I want him. Dammit. Okay stop. Forget. Breathe. Forget. bye.
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| It feels like its been forever since I wrote on this thing even though its only been a few months. I guess I've just been busier than usual lately. As usual stuff is going on. stuff is always going on. I will be honest, for once I dont feel like writing on here...I'm just bored. It is Christmas break and I have nothing to do. No one to hang out with, no one to see. I go to work during the day and then spend the rest of my time watching tv on my laptop. le sigh... I need to get away. I need to see countries, go to parties, see what's out there. I feel like just going to another country and trying my luck. I mean I could be completely poor and be in a dead end job but at least I'll be in another country. Hah, if only it worked that way. ah well... I know. I'll get to another country when it is too late. When I am old and decrepid or married. That is the only time I'll make it. or....I could take my life in my own hands. Throw away all ties that will hold me down. Reach for everything that could be. Haha if all else fails I can become a gold digger. That sounds like fun doesnt it?  anyway. My life is going on as usual. People, things, problems. I miss the old, I look forward to the new, I enjoy the present. Its strange, I'm okay right now but I'm world weary. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling. Like I could be so much more but I am just accepting whats here at the moment and going with it. I can feel myself changing and maturing. My mindset is changing with it. Will other things move with me? Yesenia always said I had low expectations...and bad taste.  Well maybe i do. so what? I am happy...sort of...most of the time. Everyone says to get rid of those things that make me unhappy. Elisa finally explained why she got distant. It troubled me. She said what everyone else says...only better and more descriptive. sigh. what to do. ah well. We'll see. hahaha I'm so in love with a song right now. Lay All Your Love on Me by Abba. hee hee its awesomeness!!!  The free world is calling me. Do you know what that means? Freedom? beautiful, glorious, amazingly fun freedom? I do and I'm very interested. Who knows? I may answer, but for now I will be content to sit in my room and listen to fierce in its purest form. I is so cool...  bye.
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| yo. so i dont know what to say. i dont really want to say anything but i think i should. I think problems are starting again. who's fault? who knows. I dont want things to start again. ugh you think i would have learned by now how not to get into these situations. Perhaps, but then again I have no patience with people. sigh. I do so much better on my own. Then I have enough time to fix my issues and help other people. Then i dont act stupid. Psshh and he says I have drama in my life. at least mine will not follow me everywhere for the rest of my life. His past will keep remembering him and so will follow him to "catch up" every once in a while. I will have to stand idly to the side and pretend like it doesnt bother me. They'll still keep coming even if i do say something. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I'm not peeved even. I'm just tired. Im beyond emotion. Its not that i dont care. I really do, its just I cant do anything about it. I've been thinking about it and I have come to the conclusion that arty was really intelligent for doing what he did. Even though I still miss his friendship so much, what he did was really the best for the both of us. Him cutting off all connection allowed us to move on and develop, change, heal, become better adjusted people. If we were to become friends again I think we would be fine but we definately needed what he had the brains to do. I for all that I was angry at him, commend him. I should talk about myself though. I need to cut off the connections that have a possiblity of following me into the rest of my life. I hate that i get peeved so easily. and i do. i really do. its no fun. happy is better. so much better. Its just because there is so much anger and sadness in me that when someone says they want to see the real me or get my real emotions and they keep saying it, it slowly happens. no. you dont want to see my real emotions. I am a very selfish, angry, sad, sarcastic person. That and I like being happy so much better. If the only reason for me to be unhappy is so you can get to know the "real me" I think from now on Im going to say fuck you, I like how I am so deal with it. Me happy will keep you happy as well. Me unahppy will make you worse than you are now. If I dont want to share dont push it. If I want to I will. When something I dont like is happening I usually do so watch for those moments. ugh. I have gone so far off topic. oh well. no one cares anywhoos.  on a different note. I'm going to school soon!!! I move in on sunday and cannot wait to see my friends again. aaaaaaaahhhh!!!! that and in november my godmother's daughter is having her quincinera. they are making it all fancy so I will get to wear my prom dress again!!!! so excited!!!! I cant wait. Its going to be so much fun!!!  | | |
| hello, hello. Havent been on in a while....whats up in the Xanga world? meh. I am blah. quite blah at the moment. Just got into an argument with my mom. It started as a "Why do you have to know everything about my friends and nothing about my sisters friends?" (you know the usual) and then moved on to "why do you know nothing about me? why dont you even try?" and of course by the end it just came to a stop at "Why do you always try to find excuses for me dating brooks? Why cant you believe that I just like him?" ugh I hate talking to my mom. She always listens to me when I'm not talking about something important and doesnt listen to me when I talk about something really important. She never stops judging and finding a way to make me feel guilty. My sister is starting to turn out the same way. I dont really tell her things because when I do she seems interested but later she just uses it against me. I tell her things and maybe a few months later she says what I'm doing is wrong but she always says it in the worst ways. I'm not trying to make myself seem like a victim I'm just writing what I see. I am perfectly aware of what is wrong with me. I complain alot, I'm annoying, I dont live by doing things I should be responsible for. I am PERFECTLY aware. I just dont think you should hit me with what you think I am doing wrong when you were fine when I was telling you. I tiptoe around her and it is the most annoying thing. She's fine one minute and the next she snaps. If she is the least bit worried she will treat you like shit till whatever it is is gone or done. I'm so tired of it. In some ways she is so much more immature than I am. I mean when it comes to schoolwork or "responsibilities" she could beat anyone. When it comes to being socially or just naturally nice I think I am a little better. I have asked and she says its just me she treats this way so oh well i guess. She has friends that are like her although I when they are together I am sure they are the nicest people in the world. I wonder how they act. I mean my friends are the kind that joke about everything and are so very comfortable with each other that no matter what is said, we're good. I wonder, because when my friends say something she doesnt like, she is quickly offended. What are her friends like? sigh, no idea. I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. Ugh I hate it when I am unhappy. I dont understand my mother (going back on track). She finds every insulting thing to be the reason why I am going out with a black boy and what probably happens because of it. She has I am lonely, I feel peer pressure to be dating, I cant find anyone better at the moment, I just need someone it doesnt matter who, I am too nervous around people to find someone better. One of the worst things she has said is that (I'm sure anyone who reads this will be aware of matt stopping being my friend for a while) Matt stopped being my friend because I started dating Brooks because he was so angry that I picked a black boy over him because brooks is lower than him. oh I was sooo angry. I thought she was starting to accept him but with today apparently not. And my sister says she hates it when people blame things on race. Yeah I do to. I hate it when people say "oh because i am a certain race this happens to me" I hate that. But with my mom it works because she actually says it. UGH anger. And of course I'm sure she will read this and be like oh kristy is so immature. eh whatever. I'm sure I will learn when I get older right? At least that is what everyone who is oblivious to their faults say. ugh. i'm stopping now. whatever.... | | |
| Bah. I do not think today will be a good day. I am not in a particularly amazing mood. I was quite angry yesterday and now I am blah. Le sigh, I do not like being blah. twah twah twah. I am not lonely. I do not want to be around people. I love kat-tun. joy. Japan has the weirdest most wonderful things i think. joy again. but yeah. I am quite blah today. I dont really want to do anything. I am sad that it is thursday. I look forward to weekends during the school year and really dislike them during the summer or vacation time. Le sigh. I have to start going to work with my mom again. As usual my sister will probably not be going. Oi. It would be better if it was me and her taking turns instead of just me all the time and her once in a while. Its not even a good mix when we both go because still i get peeved about something. sigh, depression. I think i want to go to sleep but I am not sure. No, I need to get clothes but now I have no money. I had cavities and my mom made me pay for half so it was around 180. I found out that I have another two so that will be 300 on my own. Damn I hate teeth. Seriously I think that was a tad bit faulty on the side of the big man up in the sky. If we have something in us that we need for our whole life, why is it so easy to get rid of them? Why do they bring us so much pain? le sigh. I hate cavities. They are the bane of my existence. I like WILDS by KAT-TUN. It makes me happy. joy. le sigh. I am blah. Watched Devdas yesterday. It was good. They sucked on the movie giving the audience an idea on what amount of time was passing but overall it was quite good. Aishwarya Rai of course was gorgeous as usual. Its no wonder they call her the most beautiful woman in the world. twah. And to think some people will go their entire life and not know who she is. depression. blah. okees im getting off xanga. byee *smooch* | | |
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